new year new moon!

5am, olivia just left for DC for two days, lunar new year's new moon yesterday, here's the spread! The question is:

How do I direct my creative energies?

^{Please refer to the bday tarot explainer post if want to be a little less confused about what's going on here.}

• 1.) Significator: ← 9 of Cups

  - "Wishes made and received." I've set a lot of intentions over the last few years and I think a lot of them are really coming to fruition! I'm coming up on 2 years of writing fieldling, and I think my guitar habit is just a bit younger.

• 2.) Atmosphere: ↖ 7 of Discs

  - I love that motherpeace says "Eight months pregnant;". It's Website Woman Winter and I'm waiting with olivia to see the outcomes of their fellowship applications that will determine the course of the next few years of our lives. "Almost through a waiting period" indeed...

• 3.) Crosscurrent: ↓ High Priestess

  - oh! haha okay. First of a very unusually high number of major arcana. High Priestess obviously very gender, holding the expansiveness beyond binaries, "a symbol of 'two-in-one'". As the crosscurrent that's a wagging finger of a reminder, but the reversal says that I'm extra forgetting the deep truth of how any two-handed choice is never that simple.

Moving into the first spiral of the outer ring:

• 4.) Root: ↓ Death

  - Oh!!! In the root position, massive mulch-in-denial energy. "All good things must come to an end, the bad ones just go on forever."^[1] I don't actually agree that bad things go on forever, but it's become kind of a koan for me. Heck, one of fieldling's main inspirations is literally called Fallow. It's okay for things to go underground and decay as they need.

• 5.) Passing away: → Empress

  - aw :^( I don't want the empress to be passing away.. I think I remember her figuring largely in a previous (undocumented) spread tho, so it makes sense. I've made decisions about my femininity and now i am living out the consequences of those decisions. (*cough* transsexualism *cough* bottom surgery)

• 6a.) Sky: ↑ Hanged One

  - Obvious mirror of Death down below, this is a release into the fact of circumstantial binding. And actually yeah, kind of how I view the way I connect to spirit through releasing into bonds...

• 7.) Future: ↙ Judgement

  - "Judgement's back!" I say in this same position back in the bday spread... It won't stop coming. Tilted back; choice, restrained! Only so much I can do to bring about justice, but it's coming! I know it's coming!

Tracing to the end of the spiral:

• 8.) Self-concept: ↖ Moon

  - So true. In relation to significator/9 of cups, I see myself as solitary and introspective in my creative endeavors, but I'm actually always collaborating and in fact rely on it immensely. Both are true and important to my process.

• 9.) Hopes & Fears: ↑ Emperor

  - Ugh, this guy! Masculine "dominion and dictatorship [...] using intellect to accomplish goals and force to carry out demands. [...] the dangers of unrestrained power and private ownership." Always scared of this, where the fuck is the hope in this? I guess like, through my prowess, getting what I want? The hard right angles of this card always get me (positive). also for Hopes & Fears it says "if it's a major arcana, it is a reality as well." tch...

• 10.) House: ↓ 10 of Discs

  - "Birth of something new in a community of support. The circle is complete." Reversed :^)

• 11a.) Outcome: → Daughter of Wands

  - This spot was the Daughter of Swords in the bday spread, which was "calling power to yourself and testing skills." This one is "Rushing off to new things with the wisdom of the past." Yeah okay, gonna call that progress! Angle says this is a choice I need to make and be mindful of, but I'm glad to see this! Also noting the position of her body facing upward.

• 11b.) ↙ Strength

  - :'^) "Shaman, sybil, prophetess, witch [...] she who tames through sheer spiritual force." Okay, I'm literally uh, changing my legal name to Sybil? hmmmmmmmmmm .... Also angle to me reads as something unconscious forcing it's way to the surface. It's nice seeing how these two cards sit together, kind of nestled.

Big exhale, haha. I'm listening through for a moment i felt inexorably beautiful again for this whole thing _{then Destroyer's Rubies then a shuffle all.} Kind of a really strong spread! As always, a lot to think about, but I'm feeling a kind of difficulty "generating" something. Literally the creative part, lol. I've been so drawn to just "consuming" (i hate these words, that's why they're in quotes) lately, scrolling on my phone or my laptop. I think though that that is a kind of death, but resisting something that's integral to whatever process is unfolding. I need to uncork the truth of my feeling and slow down enough to be able to observe my desire! But for now, my morning ends and I log in to work.